4. Not having conversations about serious issues. Talk to your partner
about where you both stand on issues that can make or break a marriage. Talk
about the number of children you both want, are you intending to stay home to
raise them, where your priorities lie, spending styles, dreams and goals, where
you see yourself 20 years from now, parenting styles, sharing of
responsibilities, etc. You need to know beforehand if his beliefs are
incompatible with yours. This alone can determine how happy or conflicted your
marriage is.
Also, have discussions about ground rules. Negotiations should be conducted
before you sign on the dotted line. Too many of us rush into marriage and then
spend the first decade negotiating the details! Sit down and nut out the details
before you get married. Work out the basic rules that you both need to follow in
order to have a happy marriage. It is important to be realistic, though, and to
not agree to any rules that you know are unreasonable. Sex every day may work
for him but it probably won't for you! Also, realize that these rules may need
to be renegotiated now and then, such as when you have children.
3. Having sex before sussing out the guy. Research shows that women
are genetically programmed to fall in love with someone they have sex with. Make
sure that he is someone you have the potential to be happy with, before you jump
into bed with him! Afterwards, your hormones are likely to override your
commonsense. This is how the Bree Van Der Camps of the world find themselves
married to the Tommy Lee Jones of the world! Sometimes this work because your
fundamental beliefs are the same but don't let your hormones make that decision
for you.
2. Settling. A lot of women start to panic if they aren't married by
their mid-20s, and god forbid they reach 30 without being married! That ol'
biological clock starts ticking loudly. The result is that they make excuses and
rationalizations to themselves about a relationship that is already dull and
past its use-by date, or which they know has serious issues. Marrying someone
because you are afraid to be alone is unfair to yourself and your partner.
Someone once said 'I don't want to spend a lifetime turning a bad relationship
into an average one; I want to start with a good relationship and make it a
great one'. Hear, hear.
And the No. 1 mistake women make is
1. Getting married because they are 'in love'. Being in love is not a
good enough reason to marry. We can fall in love for many reasons - it doesn't
mean the man you have fallen in love with will be a good partner. Choosing a
good partner makes all the difference between having a harmonious marriage and a
difficult marriage. You need to seriously question how well you two can work
together for a lifetime. Do you complement each other? Does he make you feel
like a better person or a lesser one?
I fell in love with 3 completely different men before I finally married. If I
had married the first man I fell in love with, I would have ended up with an
adrenaline junkie which would have stressful for a couch-and-book lover like me;
if I had married the second man I fell in love with, I would have ended up with
a compulsive cheater; and if I had married the third man I fell in love with, I
would have ended up with an emotionally stunted husband. Each taught me a
valuable lesson about what I wanted in a husband. The result is that I married a
good man who still spoils me 20 years later.
Marriage can be a wonderful experience. It can be painful, frustrating,
hilarious, comforting, annoying and tender. How much it leans to either end of
the happiness spectrum depends on you making a good choice of partner at the
beginning.
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